BAGHDAD -- No, the title doesn't refer to a body count. It's what I'm feeling in my soul. The more I think about this place and yesterday's attack on the Palestine/Sheraton compound, the more I feel that it's time to leave here -- and that I'm a coward for thinking that.
I don't want to desert this story. I don't want to let my friends down. I don't want to leave my staff, who have bravely stuck by us and who can't leave like I can. But I also don't want to die for this story. I'm torn in half over this. I have a macho, "tough it out" mentality about this place while also wondering, "Have I worried my family and friends enough on this?"
I don't know for sure if yesterday's attack was aimed specifically at journalists, but if that cement truck had gotten 20-30 feet further in, it might have been powerful enough to bring down a good part of the Palestine Hotel. For sure, westerners were the targets, and whether journalists were just lumped in for good measure is cold comfort.
Just now, about five minutes ago, there has been another huge boom that rolled over the house. We're not sure where it is, but we'll know soon. We always do.
I don't think it's as big as yesterday's cement-truck bomb, which was so large that I didn't even register the sound of the explosion. It was almost a sub-sonic rumble, and then my windows rattled. Everyone here in the house thought it was the wind.
So I don't know what I'm going to do, but decamping to someplace less hostile is looking more and more necessary. And that just kills me.
best whishes for you, chris! when you feel such way its propably best to leave iraq. but maybe your feelings are different again, when you slept over it a few times. keep safe!
best whishes for you, chris! when you feel such way its propably best to leave iraq. but maybe your feelings are different again, when you slept over it a few times. keep safe!
Maybe you may need to leave, just because it’s time to leave, for a little bit? This is, after all 3.0…it might be time to get the ball rolling ona 4.0. It’s true that other people—people whm you care for—can’t leave, but that’s always true of all decisions. But you should make the decision because it’s the right decision, not because you’re clenched up and fighting some notion of what you don’t want to be like.
Best of luck, and take care.
get out! while you can!
I think you’re brave for being there at all and I don’t think anyone would fault you for removing yourself from an incredibly dangerous living situation.
Remember there is a whole world out here where people don’t get shot at or kidnapped on a daily basis. Sure it’s not as exciting, but at least you’re pretty sure you’ll live to see tomorrow!
Don’t get caught in the “I gotta stick it out till the end” mentality. This story won’t end, ever. You’ve done a wonderful job and gone above and beyond. If you think it’s time to go then it’s time to go. There are other stories, other places, other things to do. Thanks for doing what myself and many others don’t have the courage to do.
Even aircrews in WWII got rotated stateside after a limited number of missions.
You’ve served time in Iraq, it’s not like you never went, for heaven’s sake! I understand feeling guilty over leaving others, but I’ve always found that if I ignore the deep voice within, I do so at my peril. I’m not trying to scare you, only to say that it is wise to listen and act upon what your inner wisdom tells you. If in a day or so you still feel this way, your soul is telling you it’s time to go. You have other work to do in this world and that’s a fine thing. Cheney and company should take your place! God speed. You are a good man.
“Road Trip “
Chris,
I was in Kurdistan this summer working on a documentary. At the hotel in Erbil I saw lots of people escaping Baghdad, including NYT journos, the Austrian ambassador (who told me he just needed a break), and others. If you are feeling the strain of what is after all a real, not perceived threat, take a break and come back to report another day when you are rested and have some feeling that things are tenable. Now even car bombs in Suli make Kurdistan seem less of an oasis. I vote for you to live and report another day — the story will be waiting when you come back. All best and be safe.
Chris, go home…
Hey Man,
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now, but never posted a comment until now…. Anyway, I think you have done a fantastic job of reporting “a little closer to the ground” and I want to thank you for that.
As far as the decision to leave vs. to stay, I think someone above hit it on the head when they said that the story is never going to end. I also think that you will have a lot to say about Iraq wherever it is that you go next, and maybe you can do just as much or more good by being closer to your audience where they can’t ignore the truths you’ve experienced.
Whatever you decide, best of luck to you and keep us posted!
Justin in Austin, Texas
Trust your gut feeling, Chris. Get out of there if you have to.
You have the choice to leave. Acting as if you have no choice but to stay is an insult to the ones who really have no such choice….
Besides, there’s a lot of valuable work you can do as a knowledgable and experienced journo in the US. Especially with regard to Iraq. At least now you know what you’re talking about….
Chris, I have been an admirer of yours since before the invasion, and your comments are among the few that are credible about the facts on the ground in Iraq. I think that your decision on whether to remain or leave is so personal that none of us safely outside of Iraq can do more than express what we would do in the circumstances. Here is my suggestion: I think that a short return to the U.S. will immensely enhance your perception of how Americans now view the consequences of the invasion and our continued occupation. You can then decide whether in view of that perception, on your return to Iraq, your comments can be more sharply focussed on those issues that Americans now care about.
dear christopher, you have gone far beyond anyone’s expectations (except maybe your own). i can’t imagine anyone being disappointed, you have given us and your other readers SO MUCH! there is a time for everything, and a time that all passes to make way for something else; there is a voice inside that sometimes requires an outside event to be heard. listen and you will know for sure, then follow…that is wisdom, not defeat! i am most grateful for all you share with us. melantha
dear christopher, you have gone far beyond anyone’s expectations (except maybe your own). i can’t imagine anyone being disappointed, you have given us and your other readers SO MUCH! there is a time for everything, and a time that all passes to make way for something else; there is a voice inside that sometimes requires an outside event to be heard. listen and you will know for sure, then follow…that is wisdom, not defeat! i am most grateful for all you share with us. melantha
i’m with clare, justin and kodia on this. if you need to go, you need to go. maybe a trip out of country, to some place where you feel safe and can think without being in fear of the next blast will give you some objectivity.
if you have to go, you have to go. you are the only one who knows this for sure. it’s in your gut, no?
if you are dead, you will not be reporting anything to anyone any more. it’s possible that given your experience and perspective, you have even more to offer by coming back to the states.
not leaving IS disrespectful to the people who can’t. i don’t know where that line between sharing the hazards to tell the story and being stupid is. the people next to you right now are probably in the best position to help you figure that out.
whatever you decide, may you continue to be safe, inshallah.
On the one hand, leaving is what they want you to do.
On the other hand, you signed on to be a reporter, not a martyr.
I’d suggest you decamp to some safer place in Iraq, but if that’s simply not possible, then go to Syria, or Turkey, or heck, just come home.
I don´t think you´d be coward for leaving. I bet that only you know how it is like living in the middle of a war like that. I´d be down if you die for a story, if I lose a friend like you. You should listen to your inner voice…. And from what I know that being where you are right now is no longer making you happy, so maybe this is a sign. Right? Keep yourself safe! Juliana
Christopher:
“No man is uninteresting. When a man dies a world dies with him”
I’ve been monitoring your stories for quite some time. I’m sure you have many more to tell. Don’t let them die with you.
Contrary to the occupation army I do feel sorry if a journalist dies. I can see the motivation to go after the media, however they would better focus purely on military targets. Today is Nr. 2000, the next 2000 will be faster if they don’t go home soon. And still Bush won’t get the oil, not this time, not next time.
I guess you are smart enough to make the right decision for you, cause being there for such a while means you aready made several smart choices to survive there.
Your reports are still million times better than the ones from Bush’s friends at Fox and the other orchestrated pseudo media.
chris -
i’ve followed b2i for a few years and have a great deal of respect for your work on this site and in time. my vote is to take a few weeks off.
i don’t know whether this is relevant, but i read this last night — and having spent a very brief time in iraq — was struck by this:
“There was a merchant in Baghdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the merchant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the market-place I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She looked at me and made a threatening gesture; now lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me. The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went. Then the merchant went down to the market-place and he saw me standing in the crowd and he came to me and said, Why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning? That was not a threatening gesture, I said, it was only a start of a surprise. I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.”
-W. Somerset Maugham
I posted something like the below lines after S.Vincent’s death but it didn’t show on the site,I thought that the comments was filtered. ……. I was wondering what hell any foreigner apart from the military troops(or hell even them)is doing in Iraq,is it all about fame, money, or just they are bored from their safe warm houses with their beloved onces around them,or may be they are “serving” their nations in away or another!is it worth But I am just so paranoid to believe that it is only the naive eternal search for the truth!TRUTH IS NOTHING BUT A MYTH,it is something relative, each one is taking his own lucrative part of the truth,nothing pure anymore… I could consider you a pretender and trying to leave with bombastic words, thinking of the people who “can not leave”,as if , or may be you do and that makes you immature and naïve…
PS.“I want to be alive to all the life that is in me now, to know each moment to the uttermost.” Khalil Gibran
I don’t think you should get any credit for bravery in the first place. So what, you went to Baghdad—maybe that’s impressive to a hick American dentist from Iowa who’s never even been to New York, but no real traveler is impressed. I’ve been in civil wars in Africa, riots in SE Asia, I taught English in far western China, I went to Sarajevo during the Balkan war, I went to Grozny during the Second Chechen war, I’ve smuggled drugs from British Columbia to Washington State…. I never worry; I’m not afraid of anything. Plus, I never signed on with some US corporate media cartel like Time Magazine. I always went alone and wrote freelance. I never made much money, but I never went hungry, and I was never scared. I could go to Iraq if I wanted, but it doesn’t interest me cuz you lemmings are already buzzing all over it. I know where the real story is now…. and it ain’t in Baghdad or Iraq or New Orleans or DC or anywhere else the scum sucking corporate media is fixated on. I could tell you where, but you wouldn’t get it if I told you.
Hello Chris, I have been a regular visiter here for at least a year now. Thanks for all your great work! You previously said that you were having a lot of trouble sleeping and also were experiencing panic attacks. It seems that you could probably use an extended break from the constant stress. Perhaps if the Sunnis decide to participate in the next election for the new parliment, that would be a signal pointing toward safer times ahead. Good Luck!
Chris, Thanks for all you’ve done, all along, by informing us of how it is from your independent viewpoint. My best wishes have been with you since before you went to Iraq. I’ve been scared for you a number of times and I think of you as a friend {No, I’m not desperate!}.
Get out, stay alive. Then I think I’ll have better sleeps, although I will miss the posts. Love from an Aussie fan
I have been reading your blog since the early months of 2005. What I have achieved is an ‘open mind’ and that is perhaps the most important aspect of your messages and reporting. I no longer sit and assume, but listen. Is your position worth your heartache for your family? No, it is not, but you are brave and much the wiser man in showing many individuals the reality of a war that is mollycoddled in American society. I want to thank you for your sincerity in your work and writing and remind you Chris that you are the reason why writers and journalists push on.
Of course journalists were the target. You would have to be very naive to imagine the terrorists are not planning attacks with an eye to influencing reports and thereby affecting US public opinion. Do you think the terrorists failed to notice the Spanish judge just indicted 2 US soldiers for firing a tank shell on the Palestine hotel? Of course, they did. So of course you are the target. And of course, you will file the report they want you to do.
Leave.