New Year’s resolutions for the Middle East
Happy 2003 everyone! Hope you all toasted a big champagne flute to the future in the hopes that this year is better than the last.
In the spirit of the new year, it’s also resolution time. And I’d like to share some of the super-secret resolutions from several of the major characters in this on-going drama called the Middle East.
U.S. President George W. Bush, resolved: To focus on more than one crisis at a time so that important hotspots don’t get put on the back burner while I settle an old score and make my oil buddies happy. Will get to this right after I take care of Iraq. Hey, a guy can only handle one strategery at once, you know.
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, resolved: To be the new Fidel Castro of the Middle East. And make Uday shape up. That boy is out of control.
PLO chairman, Yassir Arafat, resolved: To continue being the Fidel Castro of the Middle East.
Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, resolved: To inflame the Palestinians so much with provocative settlement policies, which pander to my right wing base, making all out war inevitable and prompting even more support from America. Oh, yeah, and kill Yassir Arafat.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, resolved: To continue talking up democracy and development to my western patrons while winking at my country’s anti-Semitic media and suppressing freedom of expression at home. This should be an easy one!
PUK leader, Jalal Talabani, resolved: To win a seat in a new parliament in a federal republic of Iraq and kill my arch rival, Massoud Barzani.
KDP leader, Massoud Barzani, resolved: To win a seat in a new parliament in a federal republic of Iraq and kill my arch rival, Jalal Talabani.
Turkish Justice and Development Party leader, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, resolved: To finally be prime minister of Turkey, dammit.
Afghani President Harmid Karzai, resolved: To stay alive.
Osama bin Laden, resolved:
To listen more to competing viewpoints, to take others’ feelings into account more and to really understand the people I disagree with. To kill more Americans. Allahu akbar!
Happy New Year, everyone!